T R U S T

Trust. Trust. Trust. I personally think trust is "the" most important thing in a relationship. It creates or relinquish so many problems. If love is a house trust would have to be the foundation. "Your relationship would probably last longer with no love and trust than it would with love and no trust." My boys often ask me if I trust my wife..... like do I REALLY trust her. And the answer is "YES". I trust her undoubtably. I've learned to even trust her beyond my own personal concern. I knew that last statement would raise eye brows but let me explain. In our relationship we have always been very open. We've trusted each other in ways that would damage other couples for the majority of our relationship. Because I felt it was so important and one of the abstruse reasons that most relationships end. I don't screen her phone calls, we party sometimes with our friends separately (unless we have something planned together), we've taken out of state trips without one another, and we actually have some friends of the opposite sex etc. etc. See with us, with that trust comes responsibility. Not just that u will be responsible enough to do right but that YOU will be responsible for your actions. I always told my wife that as a man I don't make mistakes.... I make decisions. And by being responsible for what I do, if I stepped outside of our relationship I risk not being forgiven or given another chance.... and so does she. No excuses. I've never really had someone to trust me as much as she does. And the funny thing is that I've never put forth this much of an effort to be faithful. Even before she and I became married. It's ironic that the more freedom I got the less I did. That trust she has in me has kept me more faithful than any other thing in our relationship. "I love being loved, and I love being trusted". I never want the day to come that it is awkward when she says, "Stephen I'm going out with the girls" or when her phone rings. And visa versa. (By the way, which would never happen because I love her girls) :o)

I personally feel that when u do all of the crazy stuff all we do is cause our partner to make more precautions.... become more sneakier. It becomes sort of a game of cat and mouse. And besides, most of the time all the antics end up pushing them away.... especially if your accusations weren't right. I always felt like a person wasn't being 100% faithful if they never had the opportunity to do wrong. Not saying that u need to go sleep in a whore house to prove you'll do right but I just think that changing numbers and avoiding old partners are just ways to hide what u REALLY want to do. And with that avoidance could come a problem when u two did see each other again. I want to be able to be faithful EVEN when I have the opportunity to do the opposite.

The truth is there is nothing in the world u can do to make someone love YOU and just you or be faithful. But what you can do is give them the best you possible. I don't keep Aliceson home by tying her up in the back yard but what I do is give her a situation sooo good that if she went anywhere else it would be a down grade in some, if not all, aspects of the relationship. My mother always told me to not worry about something that I couldn't control and that's what I decided to do about trust. It's out of my hands. But what I can control is how happy we are and our communication. So communicate with each other. Ask your partner, "Are u happy?", "where's your head these days... anything we need to talk about?" Create an atmosphere that let's them know that they can come talk to you about ANYTHING. While creating an atmosphere that's says.... "I asked u... why didn't u say something then". :o) Trust is one of the hardest things to attain once it has been lost. So trust the way you want to be trusted and watch how your relationship blossoms.

Me and Music

I AM HIP-HOP!  Or should I say, "I AM MUSIC!".  I can honestly say that music raised me and has been in my life guiding me for as long as I can remember. It moves me mentally and emotionally. Even when I'm in church, I hear what the pastor is saying but NOTHING moves me like a good choir. I have had this love affair with music for as long as I can remember.  I actually would use a song to describe my self to someone that has never met me to clearly get my point across. When I think back I can remember the songs that represented different times or eras in my life.....  kind of like a soundtrack. 

I can remember when I was about 6 or 7 and heard Stevie Wonder's "Over Joyed" for the first time.  My mother told me that I would run around the house singing it all the time as loud as possible. That and Queen's "Bicycle".  (hahahahaha) I can remember seeing "Westside Story" for the first time as a kid and the feeling of amazement that I felt to see a movie that was expressed primarily by songs and dance. Then a couple of years later I got that same feeling again when I saw "Grease". Around that same time I was blessed with a music teacher by the name of Mr. Doster in Elementary School that taught me almost everything from the spanish alphabets to all of my 50 states by song. (If your from the Boro you remember him too) :o) I can remember when I went through my phase of running the streets, drinking and smoking with my older brothers and friends on the Hike I listened to 8 Ball & MJG's "Coming Out Hard" thinking that was what I wanted to do. Once I started to mature a little I can remember going back and listening to Marvin Gaye's "What's Going On" cd and being able to really listen to songs like "Mercy Mercy Me" and "What's Going On" and being able to understand what those lyrics were about.  Around that same time someone introduced me to a song that is lyrically one of my favorites..... "Redemption Song" by Bob Marley. I can remember being in college at Valdosta State and getting to an age where I wanted to get closer with God and reading the Bible because of some of the things that I was going through personally at that time. I was invited to a concert that VSU's choir was having and at that concert a young man performed a song that at the time I had never heard before that touched me so much that it made me cry. That song was Donnie McCurklin's "Stand". It was something about it lyrically that touched my heart and what I was going through. I can remember taking those same feelings to Athens and UGA with me and meeting a BEAUTIFUL young lady that I eventually married that told me that she would be here to help me with whatever I was going through and that a song that she loved reminded her of me and how I would be once I got through my situation.... and she played Yolanda Adam's "Since I Saw You Last Time".   I can remember the day I proposed to her that I listened to Stevie Wonder's "Too Shy to Say" over and over with my eyes closed praying and thanking God for bringing Aliceson to me. Then I can remember that on our wedding day when she was walking down to me that i gazed into her eyes and the only think I could hear was Smokie Norful's "If I Don't Have You". 

These are songs and moments that have shaped me into who I am today. I have so many more that I could list.  I'm sure if you think about it you can find the soundtrack to your life. You should try it..... write down the soundtrack to your life. You don't have to start from when u were a kid. Start from 5 years ago or start from when you met the love of your life. Let me see the songs that have captured and represented that time in your life. Maybe through your soundtrack I will understand more about you or where you were/are mentally during that/this time.

They Meet, The Chase, Junior

THEY MEET

The most important part of the relationship is the initial meeting. Sometimes it can be the biggest mistake. I only say a mistake because sometimes we can give off an appearance that really isn't us. And sometimes that appearance can give the person we're pursuing the wrong pre-notions. But never-the-less it is important. Important because it sets the pace and standards of the relationship. I've always been pretty good with women but I have never been the best looking, the smartest, or the most of almost anything for that matter. But what I have always had is crazy confidence and a mean conversation. (And I'm not that bad looking either) lol hahahahaha  See the conversation is SO important because like time it exposes all truths. There is NOTHING that conversation can't and won't expose.  NOTHING!! Physical appearances got me a girlfriend but conversations got me a wife.  

Sometimes we rush into the relationship, establish it, and then try to find out who this person is that we're with. That's backwards to me. The best way to establish a good foundation to a good relationship is conversation. See em before you meet em. What I mean by that is talk to them. Then ask a co-worker, ask a friend, ask the librarian, ask the pastor or someone else in the church, or ask the bartender or waitress what they know about him/her. It's a big decision to be with someone so treat it like you treat all the rest of your big decisions. You didn't go to the first college you heard of, you didn't buy the first house you saw, nor did you even buy the first car you saw without doing some type of inquiry about it. So why not your relationship? Lord's will, you will be in that relationship longer than you will be in school, your home, or that particular car. So why not invest the time to make sure your getting what you really want. 

THE CHASE

See to me, how you pursue what you want says a lot about you as a person. Because it reflects your confidence and, some strange way to me, it shows what you're going to do once you get him or her. My mother always told me that, "anything worth having is worth working for" and until I got a little older that made absolutely no sense to me. LOL!! But now I know she was just saying if I really wanted something to work for it. Even love.  

And women if you want that man go after him. Sometimes sitting back waiting for him to approach you throws the wrong signals or makes him think you're not interested. And other times causes you to lose him to a woman that didn't know you were feeling him. Break all those old rules. Love doesn't have rules. It's like Monopoly..... we add the rules as we go. hahahaha Sometimes you have to embarrass yourself to relay to your partner that "I'm in this for the long haul".  I did so much that I had never done before to get my wife.....like holding hands in the mall, pda, long phone conversations, and even put my boys to the side for a while. That may not sound like much but for me that was a milestone. But look what I got in the end. A wife and a friend for life.......AND my boys are back. :o) 

Then spend time with each other. Real time. I read in "The Five Love Languages" that "Quality time is togetherness. Not necessarily proximity.... but focused attention". What that means is that just being in the same room physically but mentally elsewhere isn't really spending time together. Cut off the tv or the game and just enjoy each other. Or talk on the phone with no distractions. One of the things my wife did for me that will forever keep her in my heart was call me every night at 9pm, for about the first 5 or 6 months of the relationship, to read the Bible over the phone with me because I told her I wanted to get closer with God. Most of the time in a relationship it's not what you expect to make your partner fall for you. Find out what they want and be that something. And they should do the same for you. "If you want to have an intimate relationship you need to know what each other desire. If you want love you need to know what each other want". 

Relationships aren't nearly as hard or bad as we make them to be. We just have to do what's necessary early to avoid the problems later. Good luck with your relationship. 

Relationships pt. 1

These days I have a lot of friends who seem to be having problems with relationships..... or lack there of. I have home boys who are single and looking and my wife and I have beautiful female friends who just can't seem to get that someone. I try to sit back and figure it out because it seems so weird to me that these people are in the same vicinity looking for the SAME thing but can't seem to find each other. At first I thought it was "AVAILABILITY". You know, meaning there really wasn't an opportunity for these two people to meet. But as of lately and after a couple of conversations with friends of mine, male and female, I see that it's communication. Early stages of communications. It's like people don't even know how to establish the relationship early. Or set a foundation to build the relationship on. On the arcade game of Ms. Pacman , I don't know why, the intermissions to the levels of the stages were called "They meet", "The Chase", and "Junior". And as simple as it may seem that's all life is as far as relationships go. Some people might think that "The Chase" should come before "They Meet" but that's where a lot of people go wrong. (I'm going to touch that over the next two or three blogs)

When I was younger I looked at women or relationships as movies. You know, when you first see someone or meet them to me that was like the trailer to the movie. And the funny thing about movie trailers is that they're strategically designed to draw your attention. Seasoned with a couple of "oooooossss" and "ahhhhhhhhhs", pretty actors or actresses, and exciting parts of the movie JUST to get you in the theater. Kind of like what we do initially to get someone's attention. But the FUNNIEST thing about movie trailers was that sometime it could be SOOOO appealing and then the movie ended up being fucking terrible. lol Just like relationships! Keep in mind I was young...... but I was close to being correct because when you meet someone you don't always get what you thought you would from their initial appearance or conversation.

Now, when I think of relationships and women I think of cars. Hear me out. Ever notice that most people who are looking for their very first "real" car instantly looks for something brand new, undriven, and some times out of their means or price range? They're dreamers. They've seen what everyone else is driving or what's popular and they want it. Not knowing how many cars the other went through before they got to their dream car. Or how long they worked to be able to afford it. The same goes for relationships. Most of my friends who haven't been in many relationships usually are the ones with unrealistic expectations. They want someone with no kids, college degrees, lots of cash, humor, convo, good hair, dresses well, and is heavy in church. Not saying that these men or women don't exist (I mean I'm here.... but I'm taken hahahaha) but what I am saying is that just like that new car these things don't guarantee no problems. Most people that have had a couple of cars just want something that is reliable, won't ever let them down or leave em stranded, takes less to maintain, great on gas and reliable. (I had to say it twice) And looks never hurt. The same should go for relationships. With gas being sex. lol!! Some people have the patience and insight to find an older car or a car that needs a little work to it and remodel it until it looks like new...... just like relationships. Some people put a lot of thought into buying a car when others just go out and buy the first thing that look appealing. "CHEVY ON 24's WITH 180,000 MILES FOR $2,000? SOLD!!!" And three or four months later they're looking all over again...... just like relationships. Some people just want to ride ride and ride without doing any maintenance to the car and then are looking like they can't believe it when the car breaks down...... just like relationships.

So what kind of car do you want to have? And what are you willing to do to keep that car rolling? Having a Range is cool but it looks silly in front of a project home. And it looks extra funny if it breaks down and your neighbor with the 99' Camry is still riding good. So build your home first. Meaning your character, confidence, and convo. (The three C's) Then go out and get you a nice "car" that makes you look and feel as good as it looks. Treat it good and I promise it will be with you for a life time...... even if it gives you a couple of problems every now and then or needs a tune up or two. Because just like cars, we are going to get out of relationships what we put in it.

LIke Father. Like Son.

My father's absence was worst than others to me. Because unlike most of them he wasn't missing, he wasn't on drugs, he wasn't too young, nor was he in a position where he couldn't do right. Instead his parents, sisters and brothers treated me like their own, he could be reached, he was accessible, he was in the military, and he was a good man who had two other children that had everything I dreamed of having..... in a father.  It's almost like he made more of a conscious decision than a circumstantial one to not have a relationship with me. I think that's what hurt the most. 

I almost wished he was fucked up some type of way to have an excuse. You know.... financially, mentally or was raised by bad parents. But that wasn't the case. My Papa and Oma (German for grandma.... that's what we call her) have been married for more than 50 years and have 9 other children. And out of those 10 kids 7 went to college and 2 went to the military so it wasn't that. So as a kid I always felt like he made an effort to not be a part of my life...... the way I wanted him to. See he paid his child support and I was invited and stayed with him for 3 summers out of the 18 I was a child. But that wasn't what I wanted.  I just wanted to be able to say I had a father.  Those gestures were nice but, to me,  if you take away the military and my grand parents I'm not sure if he would have done either of them. It seemed forced. But I just wanted to say I had a father. Something that NO ONE else where I lived could say. Someone that cared, taught me how to ride a bike, taught me to fight,  and told me what I didn't need to do before I did it and then found out that I didn't need to have done it. Just a father.  Instead I had a man that my mother and grandmother constantly encouraged me to have a relationship with.  I always thought, "that's my father...... why do I have to reach out to him? He should reach out to me." But I still did it from time to time for my mother and Oma only to leave messages or have a conversation that wasn't filled with any feelings at all. Just empty. Almost like he was waiting for me to stop talking so that he could tell me, "Son..... I have to go." 

Now that I am a man I often look back at those times and try to figure out if it affected me in some type of way. Some way that may not be so obvious on the surface. Some way that could later affect me as a father.  And now that I've lived a lot more and have had relationships of my own I even try to think about it a little deeper like, "maybe their relationship wasn't good or maybe it ended on a really bad note or maybe he didn't think I was was his." I'm not sure about any of those but the one thing I am sure about is that I THINK ABOUT IT. My father and I are communicating a little more these day but instead of it being a father to son conversation it is a conversation between two men. Still empty in a way. And if he did nothing at all in the past he did one thing...... he made me make a promise to my self that I would NEVER be the father he was to me. I would always be with my children and NOTHING or NO ONE would ever stop or change that.  "I want to be a good husband and father more than I want to be successful."  And now that I am married and my wife and I are planning for our first child I have that opportunity.  The opportunity to prove to my self that I am not my father.  But I still think deep down inside that I want to be able to say, "I..... have a father". 

Inspiration

My nephew and my inspiration.....Kevin Samples

Barack Obama is the first African American to become president of the United States of America. He is an inspiration to millions and an inspiration to me. But throughout this entire presidential process I've heard people in the media and close friends of mine say that NOW they feel like they can do ANYTHING. They say, "Now that Barack is President of the United States there is nothing or no limit that any man in the world can't achieve". He and Michelle are unbelievable people to model yourself after.......GREAT role models. But those statements make me think, "What did you think about yourself and your possibilities before November?" Barack's time in the White House will only be for four or (Lord's willing) eight years so what will you do or how will you feel after his presidency? Women, after Michelle leaves Washington, who will be your inspiration? Collin Powell said on HBO's Blacklist that, "We should not think that we can rest on the achievements of the last three or four years." Even Barack himself said that, "this victory alone is not the CHANGE we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that CHANGE!"

We should inspire each other!  I have friends who inspire me. People I see and talk to almost each and every day. I have a friend named Stacy who wanted to be an actress so she moved out to L.A., attended acting school and is now taking auditions to one day successfully land a role on some show or movie....... that inspires me.  I have a friend named Enid who started a cake business all on her own.  Making quality cakes right in her kitchen while maintaining another full time job as a teacher..... that inspires me.  My wife Aliceson is a teacher, she mentors over 10 students, and she started an after school tutoring program, which she and I run, tutoring over 16 students every Monday in one of the worse neighborhoods in Athens. Most of which are all done out of her heart and her pocket..... that inspires me. I could go on forever about some of the people I know who are doing things far beyond what the world expected of them. One of my favorite quotes is, "To the world you are but one person but to one person you can be the world."

My mother had four children before me (yes.... I'm the baby) and out of those four only one had graduated from high school.  So in my mind high school was the plateau for me.  But I had a nephew who was my same age named Kevin who was the model everything!! He never made anything less than A's, he could speak different languages, and he was loved by everyone in the school and the community. There was NOTHING he couldn't do. I mean literally...... he was even mean on a yo yo and the pool table. hahahahaha But what made him different from the other people that was like him was that he did everything we did.  He drank, he smoked, AND he ran the streets just like us. But more importantly he was the first person from our hood to go to college.  And before he graduated from high school in route to The University of Georgia college was nowhere in my mind. He inspired me. He inspired us. AND he still inspires me to this day. What use to be envy turned to admiration and eventually developed to inspiration. He graduated from UGA with a degree in Chemistry and now is the manager of NBA star Dwight Howard.  Kevin inspired the entire hood to want to do more because he was the first person that they saw themselves in who accomplished what he accomplished. And since him, almost everyone in our family has graduated from high school and attended college...... including me. With more to follow. 

Sometimes too much success, such as becoming president, can be intimidating to some people. That's a tough path to follow. But look at your friends. Look at your family. There is usually someone inspiring right there under your nose. And once you've been INSPIRED by someone..... go INSPIRE someone. Pay it forward. (If you haven't seen that movie yet it's a must see) What Barack Obama accomplished should have just pushed your finish line back farther. Now, instead of wanting to be more than a manager or a teacher etc. etc. like your mother or father you can look at Barack and say "NOW I want to be more than the President". 

LOVE

Everyone is trying to figure this love thing out. There are countless movies and books on the subject but they always seem to not cover everyone's situation.  In my circle of friends I have been fortunate enough to hear both sides of the issue, from my boys and a lot of close female friends my wife and I have. The funny things is that there are VERY small things keeping alot of men and women from finding each other. A lot of miscommunication. See I get to hear these beautiful women tell me that they're not looking for "mister right"..... and that they just want someone that is with them 100%, communicates well, and has goals.  And of course good looks has never hurt. :o) And on the other side of things I hear my boys tell me how much they feel like they need to accomplish before they would approach their ideal woman........ because they feel like that's what women want. So how does that woman relay to that man that what he may be assuming ISN'T ultimately who or what she really is...... OR wants? That's a question that needs to be figured out. And I'm gonna take a swing at that soon. But here is my take on love. 

LOVE IS LIKE RELIGION!! With all of the references you hear in church of God being love and how God so "loved" the world so that he gave his only begotten son.  I could even go on a limb and say that LOVE IS RELIGION.  Think about everything you know about your religion or your faith. Everything that applies.  Isn't that love? In my religion of Christianity I am asked to believe without any doubts. To have the faith of a mustard seed.... but within that small mustard seed there is not one grain of doubt. I am taught that I should believe without question and to put my all into something that isn't tangible nor can not be seen. To believe in my heart and to confess with my mouth.  Isn't that love? Aren't we suppose to love another with out even truly knowing if they love us the same?  Aren't we asked to trust someone else beyond reason..... beyond suspicion? And aren't we filling our hearts with emotion and a feeling to ultimately one day look that person in the eyes and say..... "I  love you"?

If you have a question about love think about your religion. Just like religion some people think love is something that you say and then you go into cruise control. IT'S NOT!! You don't get saved and then sit back and let GOD. It's an everyday progression, it's a lifetime commitment, and it takes a lot of work. Just like love there are a lot of people who say they are into the church 100% but they're actions say otherwise. So when you are truly in love, just like religion, you will have more doubters than praisers. A lot of people say, "I'm gonna get saved when I get right". There are also a lot of men and women that say the same about relationships.  You can't go in to love with your heart protected. The bad thing about love is that you almost have to be vulnerable to getting hurt to really receive it's glory.  You have to be exposed. Forget your past relationships and go at it 100 % all over again. When you protect your heart in a relationship it's like have training wheels on a bike...... you may not fall but you will never go as fast and as far as the others who don't have em. So if LOVE truly is RELIGION, that would mean that we have all of the answers we need to make it work. We just have to employ them. Maybe that's why our parents always tell us to put GOD first in the relationship. Because where there is GOD...... there is LOVE. 

From boys to men

My wife, my friend......MY reason to change.

In the black community, and maybe in every other community as well, I always hear women say that you cannot change a man. "He is going to do whatever he wants to do", "all men have their minds made up", and "let a man be a man".  As correct as these all sound, they are all wrong. Belief, confidence, understanding, support, negligence, stubbornness, and just flat out not knowing better are just SOME of the things that a lot of us men suffer from. A lot of people choose religions and careers based on what was good to or for them, what worked out better for them and what made "ME" (them) a better person. So is  the same for ways of life and women.

Whatever you see a man doing with himself or in his life, whether it is right or wrong, has been good to him.  Now keep in mind this is all from my point of view. But hear me out. Where I come from there was and still is a lot of drug dealing and petty and major crimes. The one thing those people all have in common is that they all didn't always do what they are doing today. At some point in their lives they did something else..... or should I say tried something else. Some of them worked full time jobs but after it didn't work out or pay enough eventually went to drug dealing.  Or some lived straight and honest lives but after being a victim of a crime they became the criminal. EITHER WAY!! What they do today is not what they've always done. They were all influenced by something negative. So why can't the same go for positivity you ask? It can. All of these men will, hopefully, change one day. Some sooner than others. And the common denominator in all of their pictures will be women. YES women.

See, some of us only know what we have grown up to see and the environments we live(d) in. Women, even if they are brought up in these same environments, aren't exposed to the same things we are exposed to. So a lot of times what you have are things we lack.  We are far more receptive to the things women try to employ. Maybe even more than women think. I was fortunate enough to meet a good woman.  Someone who exposed me to a different way of thinking. See I was accustomed to doing things the way that I have been doing them my entire life. And a lot of them were wrong. But she loved me when I didn't know I loved her, she taught me how to struggle without resorting to crime, and she believed in me. She believed in me. That was something that I never had in my life. Someone smarter than me telling me I was smart, someone who had accomplished sooo much more than me telling me that I could, or someone saying "baby you don't have to do that.....try this".  And as simple as that may sound it changed me. Changed the way I thought, changed the say I lived, and even changed the things I wanted out of life.  Now I don't know for a fact that it was her that changed me but what I can't deny is this simple equation of my life. 

Me - her = bad decisions, crime and under-achieving

and

Me+ her= Success. 

You be the judge.

So women don't give up. My mother had a bad relationship when I was growing up and when I would ask her why she wouldn't just leave him she never had an answer. But in 2002 after almost 15 years he walked away from the streets and drugs never to return. And still hasn't to this day. Today he is a full time worker, has an associates degree in computer programming, he is a deacon, he is a Mason, AND he is my step-father. I asked my mom in 2006 when they became married what she thought  it was that changed him and she simply said, "Every night I would pray for God to bring a good man into my life. But instead of God bringing me a different man he made the one I had the man I prayed for.  I never stopped believing in Jeffery (my step father)". They dated for almost 18 or 19 years before they were married. Change CAN come.