The Caterpillar

Caterpillar

I am not who or what I used to be. I feel like a caterpillar. My fear is, while I am becoming something and someone completely different, maybe even more beautiful, I am still leaving behind everything about me that made me who I am. My fear is, the person I am becoming separates me further and further away from who I was.

I wonder, should we cling on to the emotional connections from our past that laid the foundation of who we are today? Should we forge into the unknown future shedding little fragments of who, where and how we were... molting our skin for growth as the caterpillar does? At this stage in my life I was no different from anyone else in my environment. Only small features separated me from everyone and everything around me. I did as others did. Like the caterpillar I consumed everything around me. Every-little-thing in my reach I consumed and learned from it. The primary goal in this stage is to eat (learn). The most interesting thing about the Caterpillar stage, to me, is the fact the Caterpillar will immediately start to eat the leaf they were born onto. Which means it was born on the type of leaf it will need to eat to grow.  Each caterpillar needs a certain type of leaf for growth since they are tiny and can not travel to a new plant.

So the very thing I am fighting to become better than or to grow from was purposefully put in my life by God for my growth? Every struggle, every heart break, every fight, every mistake, being raised by a single mother, growing up in the hood, and all of the people I encountered daily were all purposely placed in life for my growth by design... by God?


The Cocoon 

The cocoon represents what is new. It represents change. The thing no one tells us is...new can be scary and change can be lonely. This stage for me was one of the most difficult for me to withstand. This stage put a huge strain on my marriage and most of my friendships. Because I entered into my cocoon while I was in my early 30’s and when I had become a father. Two of the most social periods in anyone's life.

I learned you have to be in the Chrysalis alone. This is not a space or time for others. This time was mine and mine alone. An interesting fact about the cocoon: If the cocoon is broken by an outside force... the life and growth inside of it ends. If that same cocoon is broken by an inside force... the life begins.  This metamorphosis was very difficult for me because I was so loyal to my caterpillar stage. I felt indebted to my environment and all of the other caterpillars in it. I was resistant to this change. Even though I knew in my heart this was what I needed. I wanted to change the way I thought, I wanted to change my actions, and I wanted to change the way I viewed myself and my life. This stage is slowly turning out to be one of my most favorite stages, when I look back. I now know, I love change and I've learned to embrace all that comes with it.

The Butterfly

You do not know if these physical and emotional changes are for your benefit when you first enter this stage. Am I being smothered or am I... growing. Am I being choked or am I being challenged. I spent so much time in the dirt and trees that this new environment, even if it is leading to "better", is scary to me. But then I emerge, Beautiful and anew. Being a Butterfly is such a weird space for me. The caterpillars no longer consider me one of them and still the birds that see me fly still remind me I am not one of them. Still through it all… I fly. 

I spread my wing unsure of how to fly. My flight is not as graceful as the others that I share the sky with but I constantly remind myself that I arose from the dirt. The sky is not suited for me but yet I am here.  I know now the things that I went through to get here gives me the tenacity to stay here. The struggle was my friend. My struggle gave me the drive, the vigilance, and a commitment to this flight so that I could withstand the pressures of being here.

I am slowly realizing the caterpillar does not change into a butterfly. The caterpillar always was a butterfly. I did not change. I am becoming what I was always destined to be. I was always destined to fly.  My happiness, my growth, my worth, and my purpose always have been in my flight. I must fly to be an example. I must fly to be a beacon. I... must... fly! To anyone reading that thinks your environment is a hindrance to where you would like to go or what you would you like to become, please know you were put there for a reason. Learn and grow. God put you right where you needed to be so that you can withstand your flight that is to come. Do not allow your current circumstances to determine who or what you will become. You are already a butterfly... even as a caterpillar.

Fly.

Sincerely,
Stephen Nobles
“The Caterpillar”

Pop

Pop (DD Jones)

My brothers both were gone, 

both were heavy in the streets.

So nobody was at home,

it was just momma and me.

Then she said, "I've got a friend,

that I'd love for you to meet."

I was happy she was happy 

but it was rumored in the streets 

He was using... cocaine.

My momma had enough,

she said, "now you've got to stop.

'Cause I have a younger son,

and he's calling you his pop.

Want you come with me to church,

maybe they can show the way."

At that time he wasn't ready,

but still every night she prayed

for him to stop... cocaine.

One day he called me son,

he said, "I know you ain't mine,

but I only call you sun,

'cause I know you're gonna shine."

Then one night he went to church,

as the congregation prayed,

and he gave it all to God,

and completely walked away 

from... cocaine. 

(Almost 20 years sober today. No rehab. Just a praying wife and family that believed)

Now let's talk about,

how much I respect my pop.

He been through so much in life,

we ain't never have a lot,

We just had each other's back,

that was really all we need.

Pop, I love you unconditional,

and thanks for loving me,

more than... cocaine.

I know now you were smoking your pain.

-S. Nobles

Two Steps Behind

Even if you choose not to compete we're all runners in life's race. 

And with circumstances and few second chances you must carefully choose your pace. 

"ON YOUR MARK!!" "GET SET!!", as we take our positions slowly approaching the starting line. 

As we prepare to run and await the gun I realize I am starting two Steps Behind. 

"GO!!", followed with *BANG* as family and friends are along the track wishing good luck. 

I take two steps and stop as my heart suddenly drops and I turn around with my hands up. 

See the mothers and fathers had things that they taught us about our system and it's past corrupt. 

Because their sons and daughters laid helpless and slaughtered and their races ended sadly and abrupt. 

Still with forgiveness in my shoes, pride in my heart and those that ran the race before me on my mind. 

I run even harder and RUN even smarter until God's purpose and my actions are aligned. 

Now running life's race realizing it's not a chase, not allowing fatigue to resonate through fear. 

With my second wind I now see I could win as the finish line slowly appears. 

Now I am well within life's race and comfortable in my place and my purpose is now more defined. 

With my endurance and grit and a refusal to quit I realize I did not start behind. 

Enriched with my culture... I am my life's sculptor with God's purpose all engrained in my head. 

I am no longer stuck... working so hard to keep up ultimately placed me two steps ahead. 

- S. Nobles

UNDEFINED

UNDEFINED

To be lost in love,
Then found by forever.
What is separately good,
can always be great together.

To have met by chance,
Be seperately invested in faith.
to be insured by trust,
which should never be replaced.

Then separated by distance,
But still together through love.
Then brought together by destiny,
Proof there's a heaven above.

Now brought back together by chance,
But kept apart by time.
Forever questioning what is meant to be...
Questioning if you will ever be mine.

Still I never question God's plan
With our lives forever intertwined.
Nor will I ignore this opportunity,
to build what we have that is undefined.

-S. Nobles












The nevers of yesterday...
Become the cans of today.
Which blossoms into the wills of tomorrow,
If you promise you would stay.

Now we'll walk down this aisle...
Overwhelmed with emotions within.
Making a private decision public
Is where our story truly begins.

I do.

Love at First Sight

We had a beautiful family. We had a beautiful house. We had a beautiful child. We had a beautiful life.

With all the blessings that God has bestowed on us, the change it took, came at a beautiful price.

I'll never let you go... not even in death. If I could do it all again I'd marry you twice.    And soon as my sun sets and I'm blessed to see you again... I'll be on one knee to make you my Heavenly wife.

We have a beautiful family. We have a beautiful house. We have a beautiful child. We have a beautiful life. 

And with your gracious response to my earnest question, by summers end I'll have a beautiful wife.

We've learned so much, we've shared so much, we've grown so much, and we've come so far. 

We believe in love, we've learned to trust and we grew from who we were.... to essentially what we are. 

Making college mistakes and clinging to high school dreams with habits of old and friends of new. 

Through experimentations and time complications I never would've dreamed it would have brought me to you.

The temptations of life, the challenges of growth, expectations we hold in our heart are so dear. 

The fears of failure and the worries of doubt... they all dissipate every minute you're near. 

We'll have a beautiful family. We'll have a beautiful house. We'll have a beautiful child. We'll have a beautiful life. 

Do I Ignore the worries of rejection for loves possibilities and trustfully roll life's beautiful dice?
Do I attempt to persuade this beautiful stranger of our future, my troth and of love's earnest plight.
Or do I allow her to walk away again... and ignore that this could be love at first sight?

I REMEMBER...

"Not my father, not my uncles, not my sisters, and not my brothers...

Could ever replace what I lost... when I lost my mother."

I remember every single moment during the process of my mother passing. I had become obsessed. Obsessed with her health, obsessed with her happiness, and obsessed with her Living. My relationships with everyone around me had began to crumble because I refused tO accept that what my mother was going through was out of my hands. I have neVer fought SO hard at anything in my life as I fought to keep my mother alive. It had become my job. It had become my wifE. It was me. And I remember every single moment...

I remember the first time I was told that my mother was passing by the head of the hospital staff. I felt like a bomb had went off in my world. I couldn't breathe. I was sitting there... starring off into space. Being filled with emotions that I could not explain. They were telling us that all of her options had been exhausted and the only decision that was left to be made was whether we wanted her to pass away there in the hospital or if we want to take her home.  We, as a familY, decided that we wanted her to come home and be around family and loved ones for her remaining days which was a tough decision because it meant we had to remove her from the breathing machine. 

I can remember the night before we removed her breathing tube. Neither us nOr the doctors knew what to expect because no one knew if she was strong enough to breathe on her on. So we decided that we would all go to the hospital the next morning to be there once they removed the breathing tube incase she did in fact pass from not being able to breathe on her own. I can remember not being able to sleep that night. Not knowing if it would be the last night that I had my mother in my life. Not knowing if that would be the last night that she would be alive.

 I can remember trying to write to calm my nerves. I started to write a poem for her titled, "Momma's Boy" expressing how much she meant to me and that no one nor nothing would and had ever come before her.  It was a short poem with very minimal content but that was the longest poem that I had every written in my life. I battled myself about it's ending because I wanted to read it to her bUt I did not want to scare her or put the thoughts of death in her mind by my words.  I started that poem around midnight and did not finish it until around 4:30 am. I looked at my phone to get the date...  February 21, 2013. 

I can remember all of us standing in a room in ICU waiting for the doctor to come speak with us. They had set a time to remove moms breathing tube and that time had come. Most of us went to be by her side as they removed her tube and of course I was the first one there. I held her hand and stroked her hair as the turned off machines and removed bags.... telling her that I was there and trying to comfort her. We all stood there in anticipation as the removed the tube and... She began to breathe. 

I can remember the feeling of relief that we all felt. And I can remember that day like yesterday because that day... unlike any of the previous days two to three weeks prior tO that, she became responsive. She was awake and looking around and speaking to us by moving her lips. We were told she couldn't talk because the tube had irritated her throat but we all were able tO clearly understand what she was saying. So in pairs of two we each came to her room after all being removed because of ICU rules. To this day I still believe that God gave us that last day with her mOther. I truly believe in my heart that God allowed us to have our mother for one more day. Because that day all of us were able to share our own moment with her as we talked and she responded back.  I especially remember that day because... that day... my mother said, what I know now would be, her last words tO me. She starred at me and said, "I love you...... soooo much". 

I can remember that again my stepfather and I stayed at the hospital with my mother. And when we had awaken the transportation team was there to take my mother to a hospice center where she was to stay for two days then go home to be with her family. She was nervous from the unfamiliar faces and all of the movement. I held her had and told her that she was heading home in a couple of days and that this was a part of the process. She smiled. Nervously, but she smiled. My step father and I followed the ambulance for that 40 minute drive but unfortunately when we made it to the hospice center and saw my mother again she was breathing heavily and deeply. Of course we asked questions and had concerns but we were quickly informed that her body was starting the process dying. 

I can remember my stepfather and I singing gospel trying to encoUrage her. We read Bible verses, I read my poem, We combed her hair, Then... we waited for everyone to get there. 

I can remember being by her side as her breathes beCame shorter and shorter. I can remember holding her hand and leaning beside her telling her in her ear that I loved her... and that I stayed there everyday like I promised her. I begged my mother to breathe. I begged her to breathe....

I remember that month of February like it was yesterday. I can remember what tHis first year without my mother did to me. It changed me. It changed my family. I remember... I remember.

 I will never forget my mother and what she meant to me... for as long as I live. 

Linda Jean Jones. 

2-22-13

Gone way to soon... 

Momma's Boy

No Money, No job, No house, no car,
No Sun, No moon, No sky, or No stars.

No ups, No downs, No rights,  or No wrongs,
No Letters, No cards, No poem, or No songs.

No school, No church, Nowhere and No place,
No tears, No thoughts, No smiles on No face.

No friends, No wife, No nephews, and No Nieces,
No deacon, No Ushers, not even a pastor who preaches.

And No father, No uncles, No sisters, or No brothers
Could ever replace what I lost... when I lost my Mother.