My father's absence was worst than others to me. Because unlike most of them he wasn't missing, he wasn't on drugs, he wasn't too young, nor was he in a position where he couldn't do right. Instead his parents, sisters and brothers treated me like their own, he could be reached, he was accessible, he was in the military, and he was a good man who had two other children that had everything I dreamed of having..... in a father. It's almost like he made more of a conscious decision than a circumstantial one to not have a relationship with me. I think that's what hurt the most.
I almost wished he was fucked up some type of way to have an excuse. You know.... financially, mentally or was raised by bad parents. But that wasn't the case. My Papa and Oma (German for grandma.... that's what we call her) have been married for more than 50 years and have 9 other children. And out of those 10 kids 7 went to college and 2 went to the military so it wasn't that. So as a kid I always felt like he made an effort to not be a part of my life...... the way I wanted him to. See he paid his child support and I was invited and stayed with him for 3 summers out of the 18 I was a child. But that wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted to be able to say I had a father. Those gestures were nice but, to me, if you take away the military and my grand parents I'm not sure if he would have done either of them. It seemed forced. But I just wanted to say I had a father. Something that NO ONE else where I lived could say. Someone that cared, taught me how to ride a bike, taught me to fight, and told me what I didn't need to do before I did it and then found out that I didn't need to have done it. Just a father. Instead I had a man that my mother and grandmother constantly encouraged me to have a relationship with. I always thought, "that's my father...... why do I have to reach out to him? He should reach out to me." But I still did it from time to time for my mother and Oma only to leave messages or have a conversation that wasn't filled with any feelings at all. Just empty. Almost like he was waiting for me to stop talking so that he could tell me, "Son..... I have to go."
Now that I am a man I often look back at those times and try to figure out if it affected me in some type of way. Some way that may not be so obvious on the surface. Some way that could later affect me as a father. And now that I've lived a lot more and have had relationships of my own I even try to think about it a little deeper like, "maybe their relationship wasn't good or maybe it ended on a really bad note or maybe he didn't think I was was his." I'm not sure about any of those but the one thing I am sure about is that I THINK ABOUT IT. My father and I are communicating a little more these day but instead of it being a father to son conversation it is a conversation between two men. Still empty in a way. And if he did nothing at all in the past he did one thing...... he made me make a promise to my self that I would NEVER be the father he was to me. I would always be with my children and NOTHING or NO ONE would ever stop or change that. "I want to be a good husband and father more than I want to be successful." And now that I am married and my wife and I are planning for our first child I have that opportunity. The opportunity to prove to my self that I am not my father. But I still think deep down inside that I want to be able to say, "I..... have a father".
i think about how the lack of fathers affects everything in our society
ReplyDeletei mean just for me personally i have no clue what a "good" guy is
and my view is so warped by being around all of these hurt women
i cant seem to make heads or tails of anything and the one perosn who was supposed to show me what love is supposed to be and feel like from a man
was a dirtbag, so im just out here trying to figure things out for myself
and my "self"....is so saturated with the world
i dont know whats me, whats god, and whats the world
Thanks in advance to everyone that takes the time to read my blogs. These are all 100% from my life or my perspective so with that being said I know everyone won't agree with all of them. Either way. Thanks for your time. These are my thoughts..... leave me a comment to express yours.
ReplyDeleteStephen N.
Steve I am soooo glad to see that you are able to open up about such a sensitive topic like this. A lot of ppl... men... aren't able to do that. It shows that you are mature, growing and learning! I'm so proud:-)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I feel ya when you talked about the fact that no one you grew up with had a father. Cause it's true. We always hung out but you never saw anyone's dad in the picture. It's something that was sorely missed out of my life and I find myself looking for the things I should have gotten from my father in men... and not just my husband... EVERY man! Only difference is I had never met my father, didn't know him and he was far, far away so I can see how it would hurt to be right there and chose not to have a relationship. I mean there are guys who would kill to have a son... their namesake of any kind to leave in this world when they move on, let alone one who is makin somethin of himself and who actually has some sense!
So I would suggest that you hang in there. Keep pushin! And see if you can get him to at least explain to you why he never wanted to be a part of your life because it could be something that would affect you later in life. We can't control what we have no control of! But it's better to be prepared if and when it does happen that to be totally blind to the possibility.
All you can really do is pray and make an effort to break the cycle. And from the looks of things... u already have!
Aliceson is one lucky woman!
Take Care!
Meek
WELL SAID BABE!!! I am glad that you wrote about this subject. I know how much it means to you. I KNOW you will be an EXCELLENT father because you are such a WONDERFUL husband. Keep writing!!!
ReplyDeleteLove ya!
~Al
I feel you so much on this. I actually had my father in my life he & my mother are still married! I am dealing with this issue with my son who is 7 right now & his father does not have the relationship with him that he should. It is almost like he doesn't know how to be a father, he just doesn't get. He grew up with a stepdad & that situation was a mess. Now he has a son who is right here same city but yet I could count the # of times on my hand that he spends time with him in a year. As his mother it hurts me so bad b/c I feel responsible in a sense that I made the decision to keep my unplanned pregnancy with my college sweetheart. I feel guilty b/c of the lack on his part. I feel responsible b/c I always wanted the same type of childhoold for my son that I had one with two loving parents that gives us the balance we need to feel whole & complete. I don't want my child to go out into the world looking for something to fill that void that he didn't get from his father. Sometimes I feel maybe this is my punishment for my actions, almost a burden I have to carry. I just hope and pray that GOD gives me strength to raise a child who is as intelligent & level-minded as you are. Inspite of the situation, keep doing your thang. You be the one to break the cycle, someone has to or I children will forever be lost. SUPPORT THE BLACK FAMILY!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteLoved your blog. I am so glad that you shared that with others so they can grow and learn as you have.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a great thinker and writer.
Love you, always...your friend for life....Dysha'
Your blogs are VERY thought provoking...keep it up!
ReplyDeleteMan..... you never cease to amaze me!!!!
ReplyDeleteI understand exactly what you are talking about. As a female I had my mom in my life but my dad was not in the picture. He was in the Army and he got married and had 2 kids with his wife. I always had a relationship with my grandma, his mom and his brother and sisters but not with him. I just felt like I was a mistake to him but I realized as I got older that I had way much more than my sister and my brother had. You see they didn't know his family like I did. I lived with my grandma and one of his sisters and when my grandma died I got even closer to my aunt. When I wasn't in swainsboro I was with them. I had his family and that meant more to me than just having him. A multitude of people meant more than just one. They did more for me than he ever did. His child support could not even come close to being with him. Now that I'm older we have a better relationship he is not with his wife. And I found out when I got older that she was the reason he disowned. We are closer than ever and he is always here for my boys no matter how far apart we live. My husband is a better father than him and he makes sure our kids don't have to go through what we went through as kids. I think you will be a great father and you kid or kids will be lucky. Take care your friend forever Shayla.....
ReplyDeleteWow...didn't really realize where your father was (or rather was NOT) when we were growing up...well atleast mine was in jail from the time I was 4 until the time I was 18, but nonetheless when he came home nothing changed. He was around for a while, but eventually he ended up back in jail...couldn't really miss something that you never had.
ReplyDeleteI think that alot of people have children without really knowing what being a father means. I have 3 children and besides Jamie, I am Kadence and Kelsea's dad. They recieve no child support or any visits. Holdidays and birthdays are spent with mama unless she can afford a babysitter. I've always worked hard for anything that I've ever wanted out of life, even before I had children, so I just chalked it up as one of those things that I was gonna have to work hard at in life. I never asked their father but for one thing and that was to be there. My girls have no pictures, no memories no nothing. It almost makes me wish he didn't exist, so like you said I would have an excuse for them. Something to tell them besides, "he just doesn't care". I have 6 classes left of school...WOW! I'm at the end, only to come to the final conclusion that I am alone and I cannot possibly go to school full time and work full time also and take care of my children. So those 6 classes have to be divided up into 3 semesters....:(
One thing about it. I'm not giving up. I'm so glad that you have enough sense to understand the detrimental importance of being there for a child. Its ironic that both of my "baby daddy's" didn't have a father in their lives. Seems like father, like son to me. And I feel you completely on the being successful thing. Parenting is one of the singlemost important jobs in the world. It needs to be done by two loving people who are ready for the task. I'm so happy to see someone atleast trying to do it right.
Good luck in all that you will do in your life...sorry I got off the subject a lil...I like to ramble.
well well well Mr. Nobles. this will be short. I promise.
ReplyDeleteMy dad has been in & outta my life. He has a sever drug habit and has had it all my life. I'm amazed that he's even still with us. The bible say God takes care of fools and babies. Looking at my dad I'm quite sure of this.
I know that having a dad that's a drug addict and absent has instilled in me the fear of having kids. Cause I know my mom on several occasions has gone apeshit on his ass and eventually she just stopped caring. I don't want to turn into a crazier person.
One of the key things that you stuck out to me that you said "me and my wife are planning for our first child" That right there lets me know that you're gonna be an EXCELLENT father. Nobody plans anymore.
so i say keep doing what u doing. and now if u don't want any nasty blog posts written about u, YOU BETTA STAY ON THE RIGHT TRACK! ya dig?! LOL
Wow that was deep and so true. My kids do not have their father in their life and I know they miss him. He is not able to be anything to them at this time, but I hope one day that he will get his life together in order to be in their lives. I have the best father and I so grateful for that. My Dad always went above and beyond everything I needed. That makes it so hard for me to have a ex-husband who does nothing for his kids...not even child support and he thinks he is hurting me? But in the long run he is hurting his kids.
ReplyDeleteI hope my kids will grow up and be able to learn and grow from this situation like you, but the bottom line is they, you just wanted a father...nothing to do with money...just to have a relationship is all.
Jackie B.