I REMEMBER...

"Not my father, not my uncles, not my sisters, and not my brothers...

Could ever replace what I lost... when I lost my mother."

I remember every single moment during the process of my mother passing. I had become obsessed. Obsessed with her health, obsessed with her happiness, and obsessed with her Living. My relationships with everyone around me had began to crumble because I refused tO accept that what my mother was going through was out of my hands. I have neVer fought SO hard at anything in my life as I fought to keep my mother alive. It had become my job. It had become my wifE. It was me. And I remember every single moment...

I remember the first time I was told that my mother was passing by the head of the hospital staff. I felt like a bomb had went off in my world. I couldn't breathe. I was sitting there... starring off into space. Being filled with emotions that I could not explain. They were telling us that all of her options had been exhausted and the only decision that was left to be made was whether we wanted her to pass away there in the hospital or if we want to take her home.  We, as a familY, decided that we wanted her to come home and be around family and loved ones for her remaining days which was a tough decision because it meant we had to remove her from the breathing machine. 

I can remember the night before we removed her breathing tube. Neither us nOr the doctors knew what to expect because no one knew if she was strong enough to breathe on her on. So we decided that we would all go to the hospital the next morning to be there once they removed the breathing tube incase she did in fact pass from not being able to breathe on her own. I can remember not being able to sleep that night. Not knowing if it would be the last night that I had my mother in my life. Not knowing if that would be the last night that she would be alive.

 I can remember trying to write to calm my nerves. I started to write a poem for her titled, "Momma's Boy" expressing how much she meant to me and that no one nor nothing would and had ever come before her.  It was a short poem with very minimal content but that was the longest poem that I had every written in my life. I battled myself about it's ending because I wanted to read it to her bUt I did not want to scare her or put the thoughts of death in her mind by my words.  I started that poem around midnight and did not finish it until around 4:30 am. I looked at my phone to get the date...  February 21, 2013. 

I can remember all of us standing in a room in ICU waiting for the doctor to come speak with us. They had set a time to remove moms breathing tube and that time had come. Most of us went to be by her side as they removed her tube and of course I was the first one there. I held her hand and stroked her hair as the turned off machines and removed bags.... telling her that I was there and trying to comfort her. We all stood there in anticipation as the removed the tube and... She began to breathe. 

I can remember the feeling of relief that we all felt. And I can remember that day like yesterday because that day... unlike any of the previous days two to three weeks prior tO that, she became responsive. She was awake and looking around and speaking to us by moving her lips. We were told she couldn't talk because the tube had irritated her throat but we all were able tO clearly understand what she was saying. So in pairs of two we each came to her room after all being removed because of ICU rules. To this day I still believe that God gave us that last day with her mOther. I truly believe in my heart that God allowed us to have our mother for one more day. Because that day all of us were able to share our own moment with her as we talked and she responded back.  I especially remember that day because... that day... my mother said, what I know now would be, her last words tO me. She starred at me and said, "I love you...... soooo much". 

I can remember that again my stepfather and I stayed at the hospital with my mother. And when we had awaken the transportation team was there to take my mother to a hospice center where she was to stay for two days then go home to be with her family. She was nervous from the unfamiliar faces and all of the movement. I held her had and told her that she was heading home in a couple of days and that this was a part of the process. She smiled. Nervously, but she smiled. My step father and I followed the ambulance for that 40 minute drive but unfortunately when we made it to the hospice center and saw my mother again she was breathing heavily and deeply. Of course we asked questions and had concerns but we were quickly informed that her body was starting the process dying. 

I can remember my stepfather and I singing gospel trying to encoUrage her. We read Bible verses, I read my poem, We combed her hair, Then... we waited for everyone to get there. 

I can remember being by her side as her breathes beCame shorter and shorter. I can remember holding her hand and leaning beside her telling her in her ear that I loved her... and that I stayed there everyday like I promised her. I begged my mother to breathe. I begged her to breathe....

I remember that month of February like it was yesterday. I can remember what tHis first year without my mother did to me. It changed me. It changed my family. I remember... I remember.

 I will never forget my mother and what she meant to me... for as long as I live. 

Linda Jean Jones. 

2-22-13

Gone way to soon...